Patrick K. is a 32 years old profession living in an upper middle class neighborhood in New Hampshire. He and his wife, Michelle, have two active children, a nine year old daughter, Jessica, and a twelve year old son, Dillon. Following an argument where Dillon swore at his father, Patrick struck his son across the face. This was not the first time that Patrick has hit the children when they had "been disrespectful". The blow left marks that were seen by his basketball coach who sent Dillon to see the school nurse. From there the school had contacted the authorities which resulted in a domestic violence charge. Patrick was court ordered into counseling.

Patrick's first session with me began like any other, with the collection of pertinent information for record keeping purposes. When asked what had transpired between him and his son Patrick came immediately to the crux of the issue."I was brought up to believe that, in order to teach your child respect, sometimes you need to beat the snot out of them." Patrick felt the slap was for his son's own good and that Dillon needed to learn that he could not get away with being disrespectful to his father or mother. During the next couple of sessions I asked Patrick to talk about his relationship with his own father who had handed down this legacy.

Patrick described his father as a strict but fair man who was not shy about administering a thrashing when it was "deserved." In the first few sessions he talked about the respect he had for his "old man." As the sessions progressed, we had some interesting discussions about the difference between "respect" and "fear," and by the end of the fifth session Patrick broke down and told me that he "hated his father" for the way that he treated him. He reported that, as a child, he sometimes had fantasies about hitting his father back and he now has a distant and conflicted relationship with his "old man." Subsequent conversations revealed that Patrick spent much of his childhood "walking on eggshells" so as to not attract his father's attention or ire. He spoke of the resentment he felt when he was belittled in front of friends or spanked for minor infractions.

Like Patrick, many of us were raised by "Spare the rod, and spoil the child" parents. We were led to believe that the fear of being hit was really "respect" for the person administering the punishment. Many of us "respected" our parents so much that we would never consider being disrespectful to them (when they could see us), for fear of the consequence that would end up on our backside.

Don't misunderstand me. Responsible parents should demand respect and compliance from their children, but yelling, belittling and hitting often do more harm than good. Why? Because, children look up to their parents to be their role models for how adults act and handle stressful situations. If they learn that when Daddy and Mommy get frustrated and angry they hit, curse, yell and/or slam things, guess what they are going to start doing when they become angry and frustrated? They will do the things that they have learned by watching Mommy and Daddy.

Many clients that I have worked with lament that they hit their kids because they have "tried everything, and nothing works except a swat on the bottom." The truth is that no one has tried, or even thought of, "everything." Many parents were brought up by parents who hit or used corporal punishment to correct unacceptable behaviors. Much like our children, they were watching and learning how children were raised by the way their parents treated them. Besides, most parents have long since lost the parenting handbook that came with their child. What? You say you never got the manual?

It does not follow that because you were able to conceive a child that you should be expected to know what to do if things get difficult any more than it should follow that if you can buy a car you should know how to fix the engine. Children are a lot more complicated and unpredictable than a car engine and need to be handled with a lot more care and understanding.

So, what are your alternatives when you need to correct you child's unacceptable behaviors? Next month we will begin to look at strategies for successful parenting with the article "Catch Your Children Being Good," but this month I want to lay the groundwork for the concepts that will be in the next few issues. We have already discussed the first important foundational concept to being an effective parent:

Foundational Concept #1 - We want our children to respect us, not fear us. We earn the respect of our children by using fair and effective parenting techniques.

Children need discipline and structure. They need to learn to be respectful and how to function in an appropriate way at school, at home and in society. The word "discipline" has the same Latin word origin, discipulus, as the word disciple which refers to someone who learns from and follows a teacher. As parents it is our job, and opportunity, to be a teacher and role model to our children and share with them the skills that they will need in order to function in this world. As I have stated in previous articles "Most children listen to what their parents say, but all children learn from watching what their parents do."

I recall an absurd incident I witnessed at the home of a teenager I was working with in the Upper Valley, NH. As I left my car and was in the driveway I could hear the father yelling at his teenage daughter. I entered the house to witness the father nervously puffing on a cigarette which had the effect of blowing smoke in his daughters face. He was screaming at her "If I ever catch you smoking a cigarette again..." Do you think this lecture will have the desired impact on his daughter? He was modeling the very behavior that he was upset with her about. If I was a gambling man I would wager that he will loose this battle.

Foundational Concept #2 - Children respond and listen to what parents say but they learn by watching what parents do.

Many of our parents used punishment, such as spankings, or yelling, when they became upset with us or when we misbehaved. But think about what your real goals are when your child misbehaves. Is it to punishment or is it to try to get them to change an unacceptable behavior? When we punish our child we are using our power as bigger, stronger adults to inflict hurt, embarrassment or insult on our children in order to achieve the changes we want. I would like to suggest that there is an effective alternative that will help you maintain a better relationship with your child AND achieve the results that you desire. In a future article called "Consequences vs. Punishment" we will be looking at the effective use of natural, logical and creative consequences and discipline ( remember, we are teaching our children) that can change your child's behaviors while maintaining a positive and nurturing relationship with your child.

Foundational Concept #3 -  Our goal should not be to PUNISH our child but, through the use of discipline and consequences, to teach and motivate our children to make better decisions.

So the journey into a better understanding of discipline has begun. I encourage you to contact me with questions on this important and demanding topic. As we proceed remember to be patient with yourself. Many of these concepts may be strange and feel awkward. Like learning any new skills this awkwardness is natural and will diminish over time. I look forward to talking with you again next month. Until then Catch Your Children Being Good.