Let's assume that your teenager has been talking about his or her desire to don some form of body art, fashion or ornamental accessory that will not be readily sanctioned by you – the parent. Here are some things to keep in mind which, while they might not make the issue go away, may help maintain a working relationship with your teenager.

* Strive to Maintain Respect

This works best when both sides can be respectful, but even if your teenager slips into being rude or caustic it is important for you to attempt to maintain your decorum. Why? Because like any other skill, teenagers need to learn to negotiate and problem solve in an appropriate fashion. As adults we can stoop to the level they set by engaging in a grudge match that accomplishes little, or we can set a higher standard and model for our teenagers that even when you disagree you can do it in a respectful and caring way. Along these same lines...

* Don't Argue With Your Teenager

It has been humorously implied that we, as parents, regress 5 years for each 30 seconds we argue with our child. Therefore, in about two minutes we may be acting more immaturely than our teenager. Although this is said with tongue in cheek there is some truth to it. Disagreements are common in any relationship, but teaching our children that they can express their opinions respectfully and without threats, cursing or theatrics will go a long way in setting the groundwork for parent/adolescent communication.

* Refrain From Yelling

By yelling at our children we are telling them that when adults get frustrated or upset – they yell. Your child, wanting to act like an adult, will begin to adopt this legacy by watching their most influential teacher – YOU! Besides, as Doctor Scott Sells points out in his excellent book Parenting Your Out-Of-Control Teenager, your adolescent has an assortment of tools (weapons) that they can use in an argument that are probably (hopefully) not readily at your disposal as a responsible adult. Dr. Sells calls these the adolescent's "ACES". As a mature, responsible adult (I am making some assumptions here), we are unlikely to threaten our son or daughter with "If you do not do this for me I will run away (take drugs, skip school or get pregnant)". Other common verbal barbs include "I hate you!", or, my favorite, "You are a terrible parent!". Remember that your child probably does not mean these things. They are upset and they will say whatever they think will make the greatest impact. So if your eyeballs bulge and smoke comes out of your ears when your child says "I hate your cooking!," guess what they are going to use when they get upset and want to pass their frustration along to you? Our kids may be willing to curse, threaten or intimidate in order to get what they want, especially if the behavior has worked in the past.

So, we have talked about some ways that parents can model respect and keep from getting into damaging arguments with their adolescent, but what about setting limits? Here are some places to start when you need to set limits with your adolescent.

* Be An Active Listener

Listen to what your teenager is saying or asking to do. Ask questions. Don't let "No" be your first response. This does not in any way imply that you need to agree with what they are proposing. It does show that you are interested in them and this may help keep you out of a power struggle later on. Even when you do not agree with your teenager make it a habit to listen to what they are saying. Don't interrupt. Ask questions. Listen to their answers and then reflect back what your son or daughter is saying. After hearing your child's point of view a comment such as "It sounds like getting a body piercing is really important to you." does not necessarily signify your agreement or permission. It simply lets your child know that you care enough to hear them out.

* Be Empathetic

This means that you attempt to put yourself in your teenagers shoes. Remember that your teenager is exposed to fashion statements made by peers and the media that we,as parents may not agree with or may even be offended by. I remember watching the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show when they first came to America. I can still picture my father's reaction to their long hair, pointy shoes and unorthodox dress. Styles have changed, but part of being a teenager is their need to set themselves apart and make a statement about their individuality. This may be a good point to talk with your teenager about the challenges that you and your parents faced during your teenage years.

* Choose Your Battles

As a teenager I spent summers with friends in a camp on the Delaware River. One year I found a pair of pants that I loved. They were white with a totem pole pattern that traveled from cuff to waistband on either side. I bought them with money I had earned at my paper route and my intent was to wear them at the camp. When my father saw the pants he made me return them. "No son of mine..." was the rationale that he used. I could deal with my father not allowing me to smoke cigarettes, have hair that reached my collar or sport pointy shoes, but the pants were something I never was able to accept. It caused a rift that we were never able to mend. Before adamantly saying "No", ask yourself this question: Is this decision worth a possible falling out with your child? Is there any part of what they are requesting that would be acceptable to you?

* Unified Parenting

Whenever possible, make sure that both parents are in agreement with respect to what they want from their adolescent. Teenagers always have their antennae up and if they suspect that the parents are not in total agreement about the limit that is being set they are likely to play one parent against the other to achieve the desired outcome.

* State the Limit Clearly and Succinctly

After hearing what your child has to say make a clear and concise statement regarding their request. Lack of clarity, beating around the bush, defensiveness, blaming the other parent or lectures give your teenager the chance to argue, nag and create emotional chaos. Be prepared to implement consequences if your teenager becomes inappropriate or aggressive.

Throughout history, parents have been terrified of the prospect of their adorable little child reaching adolescence. Autonomy, weird fashions, alcohol, dating and the ability to drive can make parents feel like they have totally lost control over their son/daughter. It has been said that "Insanity is hereditary, parents get it from their children!"

At the same time, young adulthood is a miracle in the making. The need to differentiate from the family, create their own identity, try new things and even take a few risks is natures way of getting your teenager ready to leave the nest and face the world on his own. Try to be tolerant and love your child even when you do not like the things he is doing. Set limits but be empathetic and help your teenager find ways to express himself that you can tolerate. Remember that the scar caused by an eyebrow ring will heal much quicker than emotional scars caused by harsh words said in the heat of an argument.